A New Short Story By Sajumon Ashan.

Happy Birthday!

 

Once I was doing a poetry show late at night. It was about 4:00AM and there was no one in the BlotgTV chat room and I was still going great guns in the other chat. I was reciting a poem called “The Lady Of The Woods” From my book and one visitor came to my BlogTV chat. I don’t know it was a he or she. There is no way one can verify that other than through co-hosting there. This person heard the poem and asked me.

“Who wrote that poem?”

I kinda gave a strange look. Someone coming to my chat and don’t even say hello and ask how I am, is not in the chat with the best of the intentions.

So I asked “Hello there, how are you doing?” the visitor said, “I am doing good man.”

I looked again at the question and answered “I wrote that poem, it is in my book” and I raised my book “Age Of Survival” my collection of poems which I published in 2006.

The visitor said “Aha you are a published author, how much is the book?” I replied “$21.00”

By that time another question came from the other site and I answered that question. This person by this time got all confused that I am saying things which makes not much sense to the visitor was the only person in that chat room

The visitor to my chat room had gone a bit aggressive and asked “Have you seen the pussy of the lady of the woods?”

I am no man who will tolerate anything like that in my chat room usually I kick anyone who speaks like that in my chat room. Still I thought no one else is there on BlogTV and the authors listening to my chat in the other chat are more older than me who will know what is going on.

I said “No I haven’t seen it” I frowned a bit and continued “See, I don’t really go and look into pussies. I fuck in here’.

“So you fuck in anything that got a pussy?” the visitor asked. I know the trap in that question so I answered it clearly “A girl who is willing to have sex with me who is at least 18 years or older and is willing to have a romantic relationship with me socially may have a good chance in getting fucked by me.”

The visitor immediately typed “What if she is not willing?” I said “Nope, I will not touch her, a no is a no is a no when it comes to having sex.” I leaned forward on to the table and said “See I am a man, a poet, a brother and a son.. I have seen women of many culture and character and of course I have made my mistakes too but now I know who should sleep with me or not.” I by that time know I am speaking a bit over the limit. Still it is a chatroom so I thought I will keep it going.

Then the visitor asked “Do you have children?” I said “I don’t think so, well I am not sure as no one claimed to be my child yet.”

The visitor immediately asked “So you are just sitting here trying to seduce women with your poems to come to your place and have sex with you.“

I said “Nope I am not an online weirdo who runs after girls” when I said that much the visitor said “You are a mother fucker, you know that.”

I told the visitor “Happy Birthday”

Visitor said “It is not my birthday”

I said “See I am from South India, in our culture and tradition birth happens at the time of conception” visitor asked “What?”

Holding my laughs I continued “Yup this is the exact moment years back I cum into your mother’s pussy.” Visitor again asked “WTF?”

I kept going “That’s why I said Happy Birthday, I told your mom to raise you well but looks like she did a bad job.”

The visitor immediately left but as blogtv have a provision of banning someone not in the chatroom with a command I banned that visitor.

Then I looked in the other chat and I saw a lot of LOL, ROFL and LMAO going on there. Without saying anything more I announced “Next poem, Reading Poems from the book Age Of Survival, a poem written about a man who loved a girl, who wanted that girl to love him back but felt rejected when she told another man’s name as her lover” then I burst myself into laughs about what I said earlier..

I saw the admin on the other chat type in a private message

“I think you should go to bed and get some nice sleep”

I agreed and announced “Reading Poems will be recited tomorrow as our admin don’t want me to wish happy birthday to anyone anymore.”  

I shut down my computer and went to bed with more laughs.

Long time back when I was in college in Mysore, one night my friend Nadeem came to me and my brother and asked “Hey you guys want to go to a movie?”  I said “Yes to see a movie we have to go to a theater, the movie is not going to come to us.”

 Nadeem stared at me for about five seconds and said “Asshole that’s what I am saying, don’t you get it.”  I was really good in using someone else’s words and saying things that doesn’t make any sense at all so I replied “Yes I have an asshole but that ain’t available to anyone, especially you.” And I pointed all my fingers at him and continued “See all my fingers are pointed at you Nadeem.”

Nadeem took hold of my hand and twisted saying “ I am going to break all these jerking fingers.” And I squealed like a chicken about be slaughtered. We were such great friends we ate, laughed, fought and spoke about almost any subject without caring much about what the other person thought about. So we decided to go for a movie then a major question came to all of our minds and all of us almost asked together “How will we go?” we lived about 4 miles away from the theater so we need some sort of vehicle to get there and it was cold too.

My roommate Timoor said “We can borrow lunas” (luna is a moped widely used in India) so we borrowed  lunas from other folks in the hostel we were staying and as I don’t ride any two wheelers I was sitting behind Nadeem. Ashfaq the owner of the luna we were riding had a Yamaha motor bike so he was coming on that. My brother and Timoor were riding another moped and on the first intersection Nadeem screamed.. “Fuck man” I raised one of my eyebrows and said aloud “The only thing I can fuck sitting here is your ass and I am not interested in that” Nadeem in laughs told “Fuck you Riaz, this thing have no break at all” Now I raised both my eyebrows and asked “So what do we do?” Nadeem said “ Our legs are the breaks so when I say break you put your leg down ” I laughed and agreed. By the time Ashfaq came on his Yamaha bike and Nadeem asked “What happened to the breaks of this?” Ashfaq said “I don’t know, it is a stolen one I bought for 50 rupees.”

I screamed “Fuck me man, now if we get caught by the cops we will be blamed for stealing the luna”

By this time we reached the circle where the theater is, Nadeem said “Break” I put both my legs down and he did not put anything down and kept going I fell right on my back and was helped by a man walking by to get up. It felt really bad and I really wanted to scream aloud in pain. I am a strong man and held on. We went ahead and watched the movie and my back was pretty bad. It never healed it ended my cricket playing and from that day onwards I was never able to do any heavy exercise at all.

 

Twenty Three years later.

 

Lions they are beautiful creatures. From about a month old they roll around, biting each other without hurting each other and practice a fight and then they look at how their parents plan and catch a prey. The best part of their hunting technique is they don’t go run around the prey forever they plan and go slowly in hiding and when the moment is right it is one quick burst of energy which they focus on one animal and nothing else. They only eat what they need and then walk away. The key part is they don’t continuously practice or do exercise to get into any shape they preserve their energy as much as possible. So when they live they live a very healthy life. They are strong, agile and incredibly sensitive.

  As usual I was sitting at home on the couch watching National Geographic, learning more about places and animals. But my girlfriend on the other side watching some DVD and doing all kind of moves. Till that day she used to go for jogging. To say in another way she run like a mad dog chasing her. As I saw her doing things no human will ever attempt I went there and asked “Honey, what the hell are you doing?”

She gave me this stare that took me about three steps back then in heavy breaths she said

“Insanity workout.” She continued without saying much.

I stood there with my left hand on my right armpit and the right hand on my chin for like ten minutes and spontaneously I said

“This is the first time I am seeing someone working out to become insane.” She gave a second stare and I ran to the couch and continued my learning process.

I felt hungry and went slowly to the kitchen to see if anything I can quickly steal. I acted like a Lion slowly, steadily, smelling and without noise opening drawers and cupboards.There I found it.. Oreo cookies I said in my mind “aha, she should not see me eating” I took one then two then another and came to the couch. The place I am sitting was not visible for her from where she was doing her workout to become insane.

Gnawing on the sweetest part of the Oreo I sat there and watched the Lions playing, then hunting and eating then sleeping. Then came the big Lion, one male for twelve females. I said in my mind “Lucky bastard.” Then I said aloud “aha” as he started his sex ritual around the females. “Lion Porn” I accidentally said aloud with a cookie in my mouth, so the sound came out a bit blurred.

In the taste of the cookie and Lion action I hadn’t noticed my girl prying on me from behind. She came and sat right beside me and said “Sit here like Kung Fu Panda polishing your belly watching lion sex” I literally jumped from the seat saying “Oh’ you are here”

“Yeah I am here” She looked at me, this time, a bit more compassionately. I sat beside her and told “I am sorry, I was trying to be funny with what I said about your workout” she smiled and asked “Why don’t you do something?” I told “Honey, it is not easy for me as I once fell down from a moped and injured my back.”

She put her hand on my mouth as if to stop me from saying anything further and said “I am sorry” and got up and walked away. I sat there with a guilty feeling of eating cookies when she did a workout anyone who sees will go insane. I said in my mind “Poor thing, what all people do to get healthy and better looking”

I got up and went to her who by that time was topless. She asked “What, the lions turned you on badly?”

I said ”naaa I have this thought that came to my mind” I gasped a bit as she really was turning me on. I said in my mind “Control , control” and told her “See, look at those Lions, they don’t do any workout, they eat 60 pounds of meat in one sitting and sleep. They preserve their energy, you are blowing your ass off and see now sweat is dripping off your tits” she by this time took a towel and wrapped around her  I continued “You look incredibly beautiful and if beauty is what you want to enhance I don’t know if this is the way you should get it”

 

She smiled on her way to the shower and said “Look Riaz I am doing what makes me comfortable and give me a feeling of fulfillment. I know you like me in whatever shape I am in. Don’t worry I like you whatever shape you are in. I just said that you should do something because I thought it will be good for you. Don’t worry dear.”

She closed the door of the bathroom and I went back to NatGeo and other channels. Unfortunately by the time she came back I was watching Game Of Thrones on HBO exactly when the Red Priestess with Stannis Baratheon on the war planning table butt naked. She screamed “You horny, porny” I laughed and said “It is Game Of Thrones.” She laughed and said “Okay, okay, looks like she need at least a thong in your Game Of Thongs”

I laughed and asked “What honey, the Red Priestess is turning you on?”

“Red Priestess my ass” she said with a crossed voice while tying her shoes. I went near her and asked “Where are you going?” she did not look at me she just said “Trying to find a Red Priest”  In my laughs I said “If it is a brown one I can arrange that.”  She got up and said “Stop the horny talks and tell me are you going to drive me to my friend’s place?” I got up and said “Sure”.

We did not speak much as I was on the phone with another friend all the time I drove. Once I dropped her I went to the river walk and I got a tea and sat beside the river watching the water slowly flowing and the sky changing colors, waiting for her call. Then I took the birthday card from my pocket which I want to give her at midnight and wrote,

“Oh’ God never you wanted me to be silent,
And in wishing her your blessing never will I be silent.
For there are wonders in universe you created,
As for her the greatest blessing you created,
Was the heart beat of mine that prays,
For her well being with every beat.
May my heart beat for a hundred years more,
In prayers for the one darling you blessed me with.
And that one darling is you my dear.. Happy Birthday.”

A thought came to my mind, should I wait for her here or go home and text her to take a cab then I told myself “I can wait a thousand years where she want me to wait, no matter what insanity she brings to me” I smiled and leaned back on my chair.