This is the first short story I wrote and all the circus was to write this.

As job schedule don't allow me to be very free I have to set my focus elsewhere.

Thanks for the offer to be an inspiration.

A Gift.
Morning spread her wings above the city of Chicago as the north eastern wind danced above the magnificent mile in the December Sun rays that held not much warmth.

The frozen window pane glittered as Katya came out into the view of the Sun rays from the toilet as she looked busy doing her morning chores. The T.V stayed on where in the morning news and view went on and on. She paused to listen to the T.V as if she saw someone very familiar on T.V

The anchor lady asked “LonelyPoet, after all the awards and book signing tour now you are here, what brings you to Chicago this morning?” Riaz looked at the pretty lady with a smile and said,

“I love the mid-west from the day I landed in USA I love this city, lot of good old memories and of course the home of the rivals of my Packers” and he laughed a bit. Then stuttered a bit and said “I have something very personal and important to do here so I will not be that free today” The typical smile and hand gesture of Riaz is well known to most. He just sat all relaxed and cheerful and spoke to the anchor. The sounds just blurred for Katya as she took her backpack and walked out of the door, leaving a kiss on her boyfriend who was just finishing his breakfast.

Out of the condo they were renting, she walked and the side walks took it with care, the almost dancing footsteps as if they enjoyed her touch. She got into her car and off she drove away, leaving the onlookers wondering what’s up with the hurry.

The day passed by Katya like a lightning. Two different jobs before the dance classes was not easy but for her the determination to be better in what she want to do mattered more than the physical stress it brings to her. She never failed in her life even though not heard from his mouth the words echoed with the voice she heard on T.V in the morning.

“You will learn that dancing will not take you anywhere in life and you will cry”. Even when she was driving to where she held dance classes for students she remembered, how much angry she was with him after those days and his mocking poetry shows on BlogTV which she helplessly watched.

Hameedkunju Riaz Ahammed pennamed LonelyPoet made her his model to write many romantic poems that did not bothered her at all but the more he played with his emotions to write poems, the more intrusive he became to her. Even though only through web and only once in a while, whenever he left a comment or wrote an email to her, it annoyed her beyond all human patience. She made the biggest blunder of forgetting it was all an act by Riaz to write poetry. He never hated her dancing or singing. He never even romantically loved her, even though he told her that many, many times, she just considered him as a man who is a disturbance for her peace of mind. Eventually she questioned who was he to tell her what to do when he said she should be using her talents as an individual and not part of a group art like dancing. That questioning made him understand that she is no longer playing along with his emotional play to produce poems and other writings he wrote, by making hypothetical scenarios. He left for good from all her websites and he never communicated with her after that. She only heard about him climbing ladders up in the literary world. Heard about his incredible popularity on the internet because of the shows he did online, which were funny and filled with poetry. Though she had her own success, still she wasn’t able to be where she wanted herself to be and every day those words he wrote on her Xanga blog echoed in her ears. She told herself during her drive.

“I never lost, I now realize my mistakes. Someday I will be able to see that man whom I always viewed with suspicion and I will accept my mistakes and I hope he will forgive me for all the bad things I thought about him.” The car kept on moving slowly as she kept her focus on the road. Then to herself she again said.

“No it was not a mistake either, I tried and I am trying, he used me to be where he want to be, I did not used anyone or anything to be where I want to be. That’s just me” She smiled after saying that aloud as she knew, that’s the way Riaz always spoke. She learned his ways of talking from the hundreds of comments he left on her blog and Facebook before he left for good. The car slowly reached the big building where in the basement she rented the space to conduct the dance classes. She got out of the car and when walking to the building in her mind she asked “Where are you Riaz?”

The manger of the building maintenance was standing at the stairs as if he was waiting for her. She smiled at him and said “Hello Derek”.

He said hello back and told her “I was waiting for you, the building got sold today”.

Katya stopped and looked at him and asked “Really? What’s up with that? I thought you folks are getting like a million dollars as rent every month from this entire building”

Derek laughed and said “Yeah that’s true, someone came up with a good price the owners could not refuse.” Derek came a little more close to Katya and said “All short term tenants need to vacate” As if he was sadder, he frowned and told “Katya you may have to find another place, I am sorry to tell you this”.

Katya just stood there looking at him and told “Let me talk to my friends, if not here, somewhere else, the classes must go on” She forcefully smiled at him and walked down the stairs in haste.

Turning from the stairs when she was about to open the door of the dancing floor she noticed the door was unlocked and open. Katya walked into the dancing hall turning on the lights. Far in the right corner of the hall behind the table in the office chair she noticed him sitting with a corner smile. Knowing who he is and hiding her surprise, she walked across to the left and asked “What are you doing here Riaz?” Her voice echoed all through the hall even though she spoke in a moderate voice. A million images passed through her mind and after nearly 8 years of chats, comments and online brawls there he was right in front of her. Still the hidden surprise made her hands shiver but from somewhere in the depths of her, a feeling said to her, to remain calm.

He got up from the chair and walked towards her taking the chair with him. She stood there staring at him, on one side rage through every corner of her raced to say something, but the more he came close the lesser the rage became and the calmer side of her kept her quiet. He put the chair right beside her and told her in a bold voice. “Sit”. She looked at him straight in his eyes and asked “Why should I?”

Riaz turned his face towards the door and said again, “Sit” this time a little louder.

She sat and asked “What do you want?” Slightly turning hearing the chair scratching on the floor he understood she sat, and then in a subdued voice he said “Listen”

“You have no right to make me listen, Riaz, I am polite but I have limits to my patience and I don’t have the time to talk to you. Sorry if I disappoint you” She got up and walked away.

“You are right Katya, I have no right to anything of who you are, but you have some right to what I have become” Riaz stood right there where he stood without looking at her. He continued “Look you were the bubble girl and you can’t deny that. I used imagery using you to write and I can’t deny that either. So let’s cut the crap and get real here.” By that time Katya interrupted and told him

“Get real? Look there is nothing real in what you did. All that you did were your choice and yes, initially I played along but you are one nut case Riaz”

Riaz interrupted her as he turned around and said aloud “All that you say as my insanity got me all that anyone can only dream about, so my dear friend, what works in this era and at this moment of time is my insanity.”

Riaz took an envelope from his pocket and said, “Do not speak to me anymore for I don’t want to say things I don’t want to say and you don’t want to hear. Take this. It is not something for my happiness or satisfaction or for your happiness or satisfaction.”

Katya interrupted again and said “All you earned is from your hard work Riaz” This time she was more polite

“See Riaz you have gone through an emotional hell to be who you are, I’ve read every work of yours and enjoyed every bit of it, knowing the emotional circus you are going through. But I am sorry to disappoint you again Riaz I can’t take this” She spoke as if she knew what is in that envelope.

Riaz, looked at her and smiled and told “Kiddo, I don’t love you in the way you think I love you. But you did not let me finish what I was saying, you may think you can’t take what that does not belong to you or what you did not earned. I believe it is not an earning; it is a right of yours. I am not going to stand here and argue with you all evening and I don’t have the time for it. Understand this; I made you the model without your permission for which you have the right to take part of all that I earned”.

“Will you please stop Riaz?” Katya asked.
Riaz said “No” By that time they both reached the door which was completely opened by Katya for students and other teachers to come in.

And smiling he said “You don’t have to obey me. But you have to take this” he handed over the envelope to her and walked away and in his walk with a giggle he said “It is not what you think it is”.

“Childish man” Katya said as Riaz stormed through the door with his long rain coat flying backwards like the cloak of a Jedi. Katya opened the envelope and pulled out two title deeds with her full name on it... One for the building of the dancing floor she is standing in and another for the condo she lived with her boyfriend in downtown Chicago.

Katya sat down on the floor with her head down thinking for a long time.

She did not notice her friend who came in through the other door. She was surprised to see Katya sitting on the floor like a stone. She shook Katya pulling her out of the reverie she was in. Her friend asked “Katya, what happened?”

Katya said with a smile, “I knew it, I knew it, he always loved me dancing” In all perplexity her friend asked “Are you okay Katya?” Katya this time laughed aloud, got up from the floor and said.

“Yes, I am okay, okay for now and okay for the rest of my life” then hugged her friend turning round and round and danced.

The Wish.

“25th April: Mercury 9° Aries squares Pluto [in retrograde] 9° Capricorn ; something will bother you and it will be an inner emotional signpost telling you DO NOT GO THERE. It will come in the form of a communication and someone will inform you of something which might shock and surprise you; but you need to immediately listen to your inner emotions; I guess you'll react and GET CLOSURE for life is showing you a dead-end signpost; it shouldn't hurt too much as you will have seen it coming for the past few weeks during the Mercury retrograde”

I read that aloud as my friend curiously listened and asked “What is going on? Are you expecting any emails or mails today?”

I told “Something may happen or may not, I don’t know, I am not an astrologer, I am not a prophet. I am just me” I laughed when I finished.

My friend looked at me as if she saw a strange animal in a zoo. I asked “What’s up?”

She said “You are insane” and me and others sitting around in the restaurant laughed. Raising one of my eyebrows I said “In a good way, yes”

“Preach me” she said with a serious face.

I sat back and told “No, I am no preacher either, look at everything, that’s just one sense with which you see but you have five senses and what you get are nothing but information through those five senses. In information technology we define everything on the basis of binary a 0s and 1s or on or off. When it comes to true senses it is not binary, it is five different sets that comes to your brain. It all unites and makes something we call Mind”

She shook her head and said again “You are insane” I replied “Yes in a good way like I said earlier”

I continued “See when one of those faculties goes away brain automatically increases the potency of another that will make up for the loss. So what you are saying as I am insane is, I have talked and talked and talked to myself to increase the potency of all the five sets. So it feels different for you or in another way to say, not normal to you”

An onlooker who was sitting beside us on the near table who was listening to our conversation said

“Man I agree with her, you have issues” he smiled and I laughed and said. “See there are people who are like you Emma”

She smiled and said “You are right” and shook her head.

I laughed and said “You can’t say you agree and then shake you head”

I paused and told in a general way “I think you two should go for a date” Emma’s eyeballs almost came rolling out of their sockets.

The guy beside me said “No, sorry, I am married with a child”

I looked at him in a queering way and asked “C’mon man how can you do that?”

And he immediately asked me back “Do what?”

“Marrying an under aged girl, that’s illegal man” Emma bust into laughs and the waitress who brought the pancakes and omelets for us also started laughing.

The guy also laughed and said. “I may have to agree with you in what you said earlier.. you are insane, in a good way”

He got up and walked away saying “Have a great day you two”

We both wished him a great day and dig right into the pancakes, syrup and omelets with strong coffee.

I don’t talk much when I eat and I am a slow eater but this time I ate a bit fast as the clock was ticking away the time with a vengeance.

Suddenly Emma who was reading the paper looked out into the road. I looked at her thinking what is going through her mind. Before I could ask anything Emma looked at me and asked “What was that pimping attempt about?”

I said “Just kidding, I saw his wedding band before I said that. Anyway I have to go”

By that time I finished one set of pancakes and half omelet and drank the coffee fast and I took my wallet and put the credit card with the bill, which the waitress took.

Emma watching all this and asked “Riaz are you getting nervous?” I looked at her and I know I cannot smile now.

“Yes I am getting nervous, something important happened in the last couple of days. I don’t know where it all is moving so I cannot tell you details. Once I know where things are I will tell it all” She with a smile looked at me and said

“Keep going”

By that time the waitress came back with the credit card and my copy of the receipt. I signed the other copy and got up taking my coat.

“I am not going to say anything more Emma, but I can predict this, you are going to sit there and read the whole paper and eat all of this” I pointed at the food.

When putting on the coat I turned to her and said “I wish she were like you, someone who will unconditionally listen to me and hold me by my ear when I walk into the wrong paths” She smiled and said nothing.

When I turned around the waitress was right behind me turning on the other way. My back hit her backside. She turned and asked “Did you say anything to me?” I said:”No”

I walked out fast and when passing by the restaurant I gave a corner eye to the empty table where I just sat alone and had my breakfast.

The digits in the clock shown 3:12pm and the drizzle mixed with some flurries tapered away. Except for the visibility around one cannot say where the sun was. The winter maybe mild, but the clouds crashed at each other in wildest, weirdest ways. It took sometime for me to get the snow and ice mixed with water that was turning to ice moved with the snow thrower. At last I got into the car and then a question came to my mind, which, I asked aloud.

“Where are you going?”

Then I said to myself “Go somewhere, anywhere, and everywhere” my usual mumble when I don’t know what I am doing.

Slow and steady I pulled the car out and started driving to almost no where in particular. I do that at times when I am confused or when I don’t get to the bottom of some poem I want to finish. When I was turning the corner into Silver Spring drive I looked the gauges to see what was the temperature and if I have gas in the car. There was enough gas the temperature gauge shown 35F. As the car was brand new the miles were 272.

I pulled over to connect my IPod correctly, because my car cannot find the IPod. Then I realized I don’t have the IPod with me. I said “Daang, stupid, stupid”.

“Just keep going you jack ass” I said aloud this time. I looked at the time and it was 3:22PM. As it snowed earlier driving faster was not a possibility at all. Slippery and cold the ground around was nothing but a trap to certain death or at least a concussion.

Bayshore Mall is a good place to hang around, half of it is open, and there is a covered area with some great restaurants and the IPic theaters. It will only take about five or six minutes of drive for me to reach that mall from home. The inside part of the mall was not busy as I expected. Most people were in the food court and I walked around doing some window shopping. I went into the Lids shop where I make my custom hats, said “Hi” to sales girl, my good friend who works there was not there so I left just after the greetings.

   I walked along couple of couples smooching around. Some teenagers giggled by. Then I saw an unusually attractive girl. If I say girl it won’t do much justice to her age as she probably is in her mid twenties. The instant I looked at her she raised her head and looked right in my eyes. Her eyes literally wowed me.

On my way to her in my mind I said “She is no ordinary girl and I am no ordinary man” when I reached near her I said “Hello”

She looked at me and smiled and said “You are no ordinary man and I am no ordinary girl”

I was startled and in my surprise I said “Fuck”

She smiled and replied. “That’s not a good way to start a conversation with a lady”.

I cried... “Oh I am really sorry, you just spoke out my thoughts, I mean you just said what I meant in my mind”

By this time her smiling and giggles broke into open laughs “You are kidding me isn’t it?” through her laughs she said.

“No, No” I said really loud and a guy who jealously looking at me was really close. I turned to him and apologized for my loud burst.

  “Did I really read your mind?” She was curious this time.

I told “Yes not the same order of words though, I thought it this way, She is no ordinary girl and I am no ordinary man” I smiled and continued “There is fire in that soul through your eyes I see, Which in this cold, cold winter giving me warmth”

She frowned and in laughs said “Thank you for the sweet words, but to break the bubble, we are standing right under the heating vent” She looked up when she finished saying that.

“Burkoosh, you hate poetry?” I asked. “No I don’t, Lonely Poet” she read my hat. “I am Riaz Ahammed” I stretched my hand and introduced myself “I am Katelyn, call me Kate.”  She held my hand and asked “So you just came here for just talking to me?”

I put both my lips into my mouth and looked at her for a good long five seconds and said “Not exactly you, in fact, I don’t know what I am doing here, I got out of my house to go for a drive and now here I am, talking to you”.]

Her smile disappeared and she looked me and asked “Where were you planning to drive?”

  “Just thought I will go for a drive, just drive, no destination, I speak aloud into my voice recorder whatever that comes into my mind. I later use that for writing. By the way I am a published poet” I took my hands off her hands when I said that. For some reason I just didn't feel comfortable in her holding my hands as her hands were incredibly cold.

 I said in a queer tone “There are questions and questions over questions, for which, for years, there are no answers” then I looked directly in her eyes and said “I don’t know why I said that but that’s the truth, I just don’t want to lie to a total stranger. I am looking for answers for which the questions I forgot”.

  “Can I drive with you?” She asked with a lower voice and this time she was not looking at me.

I took a step towards her and asked “How can you possibly trust me?”

She smiled and said “Trust is all you have Poet” and she held my hand forcefully and spoke “By the end of this drive you will have enough information for you to find the answers”

I took my hands off again and told, “You hands are frozen, are you really okay?”

She looked at me without a smile and said, “Don’t worry about it, I am fine”. She took my hand again and walked and said “Let’s go”.

 I am no man who will stay back to a call like that. I went with her knowing nothing about her. I tried not to think about her at all when I walked with her to the car, still, I looked at her and thought “wow, she is really pretty” she smiled and asked, “What do you like to be called?”

“My name is a bit complicated so there are people who call me by middle name Riaz, then there are online folks who calls me Lone or Poet or some people calls me LP” I walked behind her like a baby holding a mom’s hand. “You can choose whatever you are comfortable with”.

 “I will call you Lone” she said. I fastened my paces and was shoulder to shoulder to her and asked “Okay, any reason for choosing that name?”.

“Lone, you are a wise man and you will know reasons soon” she said with many arrows pointing to my own conscience.

 By that time we reached the doors and a bunch of teenagers and others were almost crowded there and they gave us the strangest looks. Once we were outside she asked me “Interesting looks on their faces isn’t it?”

I told, “hmmm, maybe they are wondering what is this pretty girl doing with this guy?”.

She immediately replied “Exactly, that’s what most people were thinking”  I laughed out loud and said “You need to teach me the technique of this mind reading”.

She stared at me and said, “It is not funny” and almost dragged me across the road.

I suddenly said.. “Stop, just stop, you can read all my mind and I am not thinking much now, but let me tell you this” she looked all surprised and was looking at my hands and eyes as I continued, “I am taking you in my car not you taking me in your car. When you are with me, you are under my protection and I won’t command you to do anything but I don’t take command from you either. No matter what you are or who you are, right now in this place you are coming with me because I chose to take you with me. Not because you chose to come with me. Is that very clear Katelyn?”

 “I cannot hear you anymore” She said with a touch of sadness. “Lone don’t be angry, you are fine, I am fine, all good, all good’.

“What do you mean you cannot hear me anymore?” I asked then I understood what she meant, I smiled and said “You cannot read my anger, aha, wa wa hehehe you are fucked up now”.

“Shut up, just shut up and don’t use bad language with me” she said.

I held her cold upper arms and said, “Look you say one more command at me I will do exactly the very first word I told you”.

She said “Okay, okay, you are aggressive I agree, but I trust you, promise me, you won’t touch me again without my permission.”.

 By this time we reached near my car and I opened the door for her and told. ”I told you, you are now under the protection of Lone, who is an Ashan, and we Ashans put our life in line to keep our promises. Step into my chariot, your highness”. I said, with a smile brighter than the setting sun, who still was hiding somewhere behind thick dark clouds.

 She got in really fast as if she was in a hurry to get away from something or someone. There were a hundred million doubts that came to me from all sides but from what I know she was literally reading my mind I kept all thoughts and doubts away and got into the car and started to drive.

  In a humorous tone I asked “Is there any particular direction you want me to drive or just drive?” The smile that decorated her face till she got into the car was gone by now and she turned to me and said “We need to talk”.

I laughed aloud and said “Those are words people use when they are about to break up. First of all to talk one need to know who one is dealing with. I don’t know who you are at all and from what I know through some crappy voodoo you know exactly what I am thinking. So honey, sweetie, cut the crap and come to the point” she tried to interrupt me by this time, but I said “Don’t say anything until I finish. Look if you want money I have none, if you want sex, Hell ya, my house is nearby and lets go there get it over with and move on. But if you tell me you have some supernatural powers and can turn my life around. Fuck off I don’t want anything like that. I don’t live for hand-offs from anyone. Are you understanding me?” By that time I knew I was very loud.

She gave me a sharp look and said “I understand you and I understand you clear and loud. But you are not helping me to understand you better like you tried to help her understand you”.

 I paused everything except the driving, I even paused breathing. I did not look at her at all. I looked ahead into I-43 North and I said, “No one can understand me better than she does. So you are her friend?” I paused again and before Kate could say anything I said “Look if you are with me to know me better let me tell ya, what you see is what I am. I am fat, short, short tempered and I am strong like a lion and can harm you badly”

She said abruptly “Will you please stop? Lone, I am not a friend of her I know her through you and who I am is something you will know soon”.

I interrupted and said “Really, seriously, honestly? You have some good guts to get into my car and now tell me that you are not a friend of any one I know and just coming for a joy ride. Look lady I am no fool. Now tell me what do you want?”

Her eyes were on my face all the time I can say that, she very politely with a touch of sadness told “I can help you.”

She stopped and before I could say anything she said “You are a good man and the good you do is something you don’t acknowledge or even know it is good. All I can do is just to open a door you thought never existed before” She paused and looked outside and told me

“Slow down”

I looked at the speedometer and saw I am going at 105/mph  I slowed down and set the cruise control at 65/mph. We did not speak for like couple of minutes.

Suddenly she broke the silence

“Lone, you are at the verge of falling in love with someone half your age.”

I shook my whole being and asked “What? What the heck are you talking about?”  

“Yes she the one, the darling I am not going to name her but you know who I am talking about” Kate took a deep sigh and continued “You should not speak when I am speaking please it is a request not a command”  I looked at her and smiled

“Sure it is a deal” I laughed and said “You want to tell me what I already know or do you have something new?”

Kate looked me and said “You are not immune to love Lone” and she almost bowed and continued. “I have to say all that happened in my perspective so that you will understand”

I grumbled “hmmm.. pssst.. what the fuck? If you know my mind like you say Katelyn you already know how I love that girl. It is not a choice at all, it is a historical inevitability that I should love and I should fail in that love. Even from the day I told her I have a feeling that could lead to a romantic feelings I know she can never look at me in the same way” I paused and saw Kate not at all paying attention to me. She sat there with her head down as if in prayer.

I broke the silence and told her “Look if you are going to tell me six and a half years of my own life history from a third person’s perspective” I paused again and saw Katelyn not paying attention

“Then I will stop here and I can get you a cab to go back”

She smiled and asked “So you don’t want to take me home and have sex with me?”

I laughed and said “If you are a good mind reader you already know I am not a sex maniac, but if your mind tells you that you should sleep with me, Oh’ yeah, you will not regret it”.

She giggled and told. “Please hold your silence”

I asked “How do I hold my silence? If it is my penis or your boobs I should hold, hell ya.. I can hold, but silence? Naaa…. I may speak and you have to bear with me for that. I am not a person who can keep my mouth shut”.

“You assume too much” She started to talk and then stopped abruptly. Then she kept quiet for a while and I did not say anything. I just drove for maybe fifteen or twenty minutes without uttering a word.

I broke the silence “Kate, you by now know who I am and what all things happened. My apologies are there but I hate it when someone just ignores me. No matter what justifications you say, who I am, is who I am. I see no reason to change that because no reason ever stood before me and questioned me in not changing anything.”

Kate said “I know what hurts you Lone, I know you walked away many, many times. The wrong you did are wrongs and you must accept the wrong as wrong and don’t just try to justify and try to make the wrong look like the right thing to do at this point of time”

I perceived her through the edge of my right eye and saw her still not looking at me but I clearly noticed the ear rings with peacock feathers.

“I know the wrong I did very well Kate, first I made a model out of a girl I was in communication with, second I failed to explain to her clearly that my feelings are only going to stay within the boundaries of my poems and all feelings are virtual not real. Third, I should have never reopened the poetrybox after I told her about the good feelings and poetry writing circus with her in my mind. I thought I may hurt her if just let it remain closed. Looks like I hurt myself in the process of trying not to hurt her.” I gasped for breath and took a deep breath and continued,

 “I don’t hate her, I can never hate her, in fact, I don’t love her as I don’t know her. She knows about me more than I know about her. Even if she loved what she knew already, I don’t think she will ever fit into my lifestyle. I am a simple person for all the simplicity one can imagine, I have no special talents to earn a living, I am no super hero or know to do anything extraordinary. There isn’t anything any girl can ever love in me. I am out of shape, I am old and I stink” I took another breath and said “Look, you can say like many other girls told me that I have a very low self esteem. It is not true but I am truthful to the best of my abilities.” Kate interrupted,

 “Lone, I know all that is going on with you, but I am here to tell you the wrong, the last wrong you did.. because…” Kate went silent and she stayed quiet again for a while.

Then the most unusual thing happened. Katelyn recited a poem I recently wrote

“The Weeping I Heard.

Morning, noon, evening and night makes a day,

Oh’ these days I feel the heart in sway,

About a poet to the material world lost,

With a life that shrouds all spiritual beauty beneath,

Teaching the hypocrisy of the wealthy and the wise,

The innocence of the ignorant,

The stupidity of the forgetful.

Together all united in you as mad men’s tunes played,

And in the rhythm you danced and danced,

And the dance twisting your mind to intoxication,

And in that intoxication everything right you questioned,

The mockery of the smiles you have shown,

The mystery of the uncaring you have shown,

In it all I read and read and read,

The painful suppression of a beautiful poet,

The erasing of verses from a mind,

And the mocking laughs I heard,

Of a world into which you plunged,

And burned and buried the poetic talents with you born,

Sanctified are the ones who in life finds,

A balance in all good and bad,

And to humanity they communicate,

In a language mothers with unborn in wombs communicate,

Everything beautiful, everything perfect with divinity filled,

And that feeling poetic we call,

Oh’ all for the magic of matter you left.

The left out spirit to all known tight gripped held,

And every step away from who you are she wept,

Her tears wiping away the footprints you left,

In an unholy art that can’t stand on its own,

Ah’ from far the echo of the weeping I heard,

A man in every adversity strong stood,

Even when my own parent died no tears I shed,

As only the fulfilled life of him to celebrate I learned,

When those spiritual sobs of you I heard,

Ah’ a burning in my eyes I felt,

And helpless down to the ground I looked,

Oh’ one drop upon the frozen yard unknown to all fell,

As the weeping of your spiritual self filled my soul.”

It was not exactly reciting she almost sang that in a very adorable tune. I kept quiet.. I still struggled not to think about anything but she, the one whom I wrote about filled my mind I took the car off the cruise control and slowly took the next exit.

By the time I stopped the car Katelyn signed to me not to say anything. Then she said this.

“The ways of the world you don’t care, The ways of her life you don’t care, Together no fate for you two written, And for the words of that unwritten fate you search, In verses with her in your mind kept, Life passed by and is passing by in forgetfulness, About the present in your fantastic fantasy, Hurt her not even with words, For the care she once to you shown, To her in patience you owe, Another lifetime of prayer filled blessings”

I looked at Kate and she took my right hand with her left hand and put it on my eyes. Then I heard a knock,

Tuk, tuk tuk,

I opened my eyes and I saw a lady police officer beside my car window. I rolled the window down and she asked me

“Are you okay sir? You are parked in a no parking zone” I saw the police car lights behind.
I shook my head and said “I am fine, I feel fine maam,” She looked at me queerly and told me “Would you mind stepping outside the car sir” I told “Not at all” While stepping out of the car I looked at the clock and it shown 3:24PM.

I stepped outside the car and she asked me

“Where do you live?”

I told “40^th street in Thurston.”

She said, “You are not that far off, I suggest you to go back home and get some more sleep” 

By that time I noticed I am still at the turn of 40^th and Silver Spring Drive.

I nodded at the officer and asked “Can I please go now?” She told “Yes, have a good day”

I got into the car and looked at the dashboard and I saw 272 miles in my meter. I smiled at myself and took the car to the next street and went back to my home.

Once I got back home I thought Oh boy, what a dream and what a pretty girl that was… it felt very real.

I didn’t even think about taking my clothes off and just went to my bed and said… “Need some good sleep, looks like insomnia is intoxicating me now”

Then when about to get on bed, in the little light that came through the window I saw, a peacock feather sitting on my pillow.

I wrote these fast and furious J so you may find serious grammar and other structural errors. Don’t look for them, if you find any please let me know in the comments.

Previous Chapters.
1) Never Ending Day Dream-The Journey.

2) Never Ending Day Dream-The Journey-Part-2.

3) Never Ending Day Dream-The Journey-Part-3.

4)  Never Ending Day Dream-The Early Days.

5) Never Ending Daydream - Trouble

Never Ending Daydream.

The Next Step.

The rest of the days at Johnson Controls were very interesting. One day Susie brought another Indian guy to us and introduced him.

“Here is Udai, He just joined Johnson Controls” I got up and shook hands with him and said “I am Riaz Ahammed” then Gowda and Peter also talked to him for a little. We were very busy with work as the project assignment was getting over. During a smoke break I met Udai again and we spoke more about each other. He was born in India but studied in USA.

Now I have to say what my daily routine was at that time in Milwaukee. I am a late starter, I wake up early but going to the toilet, taking a shave, shower all takes about an hour or more. Then my breakfast usually was about a full bowl of cereal with milk in front of the T.V that will take another hour. Both Peter and Susie are early starters so I adjust my time in the toilet circus and breakfast to be with Peter who picked me and Gowda from our apartment as we both don’t have a car. That was the good side of Peter even though for some reason he just can’t take me as who I am than what I am.

   Once I am back from work then I go into full action. I go for an evening walk. I start from Milwaukee street and go all the way to Wisconsin ave taking that I go all the way eastwards and come through lake side and walk back home taking Brady then Van Buren. It was a long walk but the best part was meeting a lot of others who walked along and so many others total strangers who smiled at me and said hello. I was surprised to see such friendly people. Those walks in different directions of Milwaukee did not dissolve me into the city. On the contrary the city became part of me. That spiritual connection I got to a place which I never got to even the place I was born was, is and will not be understood by many. But I knew it at that time, this is it, this is where I belong. On the flipside I should have never felt that way because I am on a visa to United States. If Keane is not sponsoring my Greencard I have to go back to India after three years. So the material reality can all become ugly if things go bad. I once looking at Lake Michigan said. “If there is a magic in me which I believed till this day only a girl can unravel then I have to find her. If it is to her I am feeling connected standing here. I have to wait for it” But Magic is an illusion, magic happens only in movies. A reality I learned in hard ways in the days that followed after what I said.

  I joined a driving school to learn how to drive in USA. Driving was not my thing when I was in India. First of all I am not a person who obeyed anyone’s instructions. So the only time I drove in India, I ended up smashing the family car into the wall of my cousin’s house. That happened because there was a women’s hostel right in front of her house and I was looking at couple of pretty girls walking out of there. That day my mother day said “I will never get into a car you are driving” and I never drove after that. I got into the driving school car remembering all that. But to my own surprise, driving was not that hard at all. There are no gears to change and one leg is free. So in about 5 minutes I was driving quite well. Mani did not had any problem at all driving but Anand had issues as he had a tough time staying on the right side.

  We all learned to drive in the next 4 to 5 days and by the end of the week I was driving through the highway at 70/ mph. When I called India that evening I told my mother I am driving and she was like “Oh My God, Save Americans”.

    That Friday I was sitting in the smoking room reading news paper when Udai came in. As we were alone in the room the first thing Udai said was, “Man that Peter is an ass hole” I raised my eyebrows from the paper and asked “Why you think so?”  Udai looked at me and said “Do I have to explain it to you?” I laughed and said “Not at all” and went back to the paper taking another drag. Then I asked him “Do you know any car dealers around here?, I gotta have a car buddy. Driving with a man every other man calls asshole is no longer safe for this pretty ass” Udai laughed and said, “Not around here, but I know couple of them near New Berlin” I frowned and looked at him and said.. “Let me look around silver spring this weekend” I left the smoking room and later left with Peter and Gowda to Keane office as we had a meeting at the Branch Office. I reached home early and took a nap for about 20 mins then went out for my walk.

  It was a nice walk I went westwards from Wisconsin Ave and came back to Water Street walked through Water street couple of times, looked at all the bars and came back to Court Yard Square and got into the elevator. Before the door closed I saw a guy with beer cans in both hands rushing to the elevator. I kept the door opened and let him in. From his look I know he is Indian. He looked at me from top to bottom and bottom to top and asked, “Are you Indian?” I said “Yes” He again asked, “What part of India?” I smiled and said “Kerala” Then in pure Malayalam he shouted “You are a Malayali, Oh My God, I have seen you walking around” I told “All pure Malayali born bread and brought up there, now making this city part of me”. He cannot shake his hands with me because he got beer in both of his hands so he said “I am Cecil” I introduced myself to him and he invited me to his apartment. I went to my apartment took a shower, changed my clothes and went to his apartment. It was a mess in there where 3 students lived. When I got in two guys were seen running inside and then Cecil came out and asked me to sit. It was fun talking to them all Indian students studying at Milwaukee School Of Engineering. When I started talking freely the other two came out and introduced themselves. One was Doshi and the other Poppad. They first thought I am Cecil’s uncle of someone like that as I look much more older than my real age. I laughed and said I am 28 years old. We all laughed and talked late through the night watching T.V.

     That night I went to bed with some thoughts, tomorrow I should go and get a car. In Wisconsin I can buy and drive a car with my Indian license. The next day I woke up a bit late but early enough to go to the car dealers in Silver Spring. I went to the Nissan dealer and was looking for a used car. I saw a very nice Lexus with about 31000 miles for about $18000. I drove it and felt good. There I learned my negotiation skills are incredible. Eventually the salesman told shown me like 20 cars all of them I took out for a drive. Two I liked very much, the Lexus and then a Chevrolet I thought I decided the Chevy is my car and went home as Monday I have to get the loan all set up with IBM Credit Union and come and buy the car.

    Sundays are lazy days, I don’t move much, I became a couch potato and stayed at home. Cecil came asking me about my car buying adventure he heard what I said and left fast. Nothing much changed other than that as movie after movie I watched and later that night I was sitting in the deck thinking about the way I am going. The crook in me woke and hugged me with the air, I said “I need young hands with boiling blood inside and I see Cecil and his buddies will be a good start” I smiled and said “here starts The Next Step”.

I haven’t really updated this in a long while now. I wrote some of these but lack of cooperation from some of my colleagues and friends made me thought about this whole process for along time. Now that I have not much contact with most of these people, I am going ahead with this anyway. I will avoid using last names and will only use last names unless and otherwise necessary. You will soon read in this the danger of using a last name.

Enjoy.

Previous Chapters.
1) Never Ending Day Dream-The Journey.

2) Never Ending Day Dream-The Journey-Part-2.

3) Never Ending Day Dream-The Journey-Part-3.

4)  Never Ending Day Dream-The Early Days.

Never Ending Daydream.

Trouble.

Life inMilwaukeewas much simpler than I thought it will be. I got easily acquainted to the work routine. Work was not easy at all for sometime as I needed to learn a lot about the ways business gets translated to computer programs inUnited States. People were brought fromIndia,Pakistan, and China etc. But the American managers just thought that those who are brought from outside knows how software development process works inUSAeven when those folks left their mother’s nipples. I spent hours after work to understand the flow of data and flow of process in a completely new area. Luckily we had one of the best supervisors from the client side. She trained us for two weeks and then sat with us the whole time to the migration of an EDI application from Mainframes to DEC platform. I had no prior experience with DEC platform so the training was needed. I called her Susie; she was pretty and wonderful to talk to. One day she told me to do an analysis on a set of programs and I was going through those programs and found the way it was written was horrible. There were no comments indicating what the logic was. So I spoke aloud.

“Who in their right mind will write COBOL programs like this?”

Susie said “Go to the top of the program and look”

I browsed all the way up and saw it was written by a S.Miller. I told “S.Miller some crazy guy”

The Susie smiled and told me… “Riaz, my name was Susan Miller and after I got married the last name changed” She patted on my back and told “I agree that was a crazy way of writing a program, but it works and never broke in the last 5 years”

I told her “It is a good lesson for me, never judge anything by appearance” She smile and said “Not just anything, anyone too”.

We left for lunch and I was with Susie talking about her planned visit toMexico. I always wanted to visit places and she gave a good explanation aboutMexicoas he husband was born and brought up inMexico.

 When we were coming back to where I was sitting we could hear Peter and Gowda talking. Susie was taking some print outs she printed earlier. The talk between Gowda and Peter was about how life inIndiawas for Gowda. Gowda was from a middle class family and had a quiet life that’s what I can say in a nutshell. Suddenly Peter asked “You had a good life back there and how did you ended up with a dirty Muslim like Riaz?” Susie immediately rushed and told Peter “Never use that kinda language here” I told her “Never mind it, apparently he did not heard what you said earlier today”. I smiled and continued to work. Peter never apologized and I never sought it either. Once more I was proven right about the way a person will be with just one look. Gowda later in the evening asked me what I thought about Peter, I told “An asshole is an asshole is an asshole and will be an asshole the rest of his fucked up life”

 Two weeks later me and Peter had a major argument about the way a project needs to be managed. Peter is old and experienced in programming. I am also experience in programming but I am a far better person as I know management very well and he never liked to be proven wrong. Time and again I have proven him wrong and the grudges went on and on and exploded. Keane manager Jim summoned us to the branch office and told us. “If you want yell, then yell at me or come here and yell at each other. Never fight in a client office.” I apologized for my mistake and went out silently.
  While standing outside lighting up a cigarette, someone said “Hello there”

I looked side ways to see a pretty looking lady standing there and blowing smoke up into the air.

I replied “Hello there” and went to her stretching my hands and said “I am Riaz Ahammed” She smiled and told “I know” She shook my hands and said “Katherine” she blown out the smoke upwards so that it won’t hit my face and told “I’ve heard about you issue with Peter, he is a jack ass, never mind him. Looks like you folks are doing a great job there. You are way ahead of schedule and Susan sent some impressive feedback about you. I work in the same project but I don’t go to client sites”

 I smiled with a great relief inside and told “I don’t know how to thank you for relieving my tension. You sure are my guardian angel now” Kathy looked at me and said, “You are different than all other foreigners I found around here. Just stay out of trouble” She looked at me again and smiled and while walking away she continued “That may be a bit too hard for you. Good to meet you at last, see you later”. Kathy faded away into the big Park place building. I stood there for a little while and walked back into the building with a thought. How different am I than all others? Is it a good thing to be different or is it bad? When washing my mouth in the restroom I looked at the mirror again and deep in my mind said “I will never be able to stay out of trouble because I am trouble”.

Previous Chapters.
1) Never Ending Day Dream-The Journey.

The night went away totally unknown to me as I spent most of the time sitting on the couch and going to the deck for smoking once in a while. In between I came back and slept for sometime. Lot of things went through my mind. Things were not as easy as I thought it will be. I am a man who was fed, clothed and educated by family and friends. Even though I lived a life virtually alone in a shell created out of my imaginations, it was made possible by the support and immense tolerance of my family and friends.

I told myself, "This is going to go to the extremes of things way beyond your imaginations Saju, you better take every step with care and make sure the foundations are laid upon which you develop yourself as a better man".

After a lot more thoughts and planning around those thoughts I went to bed at around 5:30 in the morning. The next day woke around me far beyond my consciousness. Mani woke me up saying someone from office called and he will be coming to our place to introduce himself to us. That kinda put me into top gear and I was rushing to get a shave, took a crap then while I was taking a shower, I heard a knock on the door.

Mani told... "Riaz you idiot get out now, George is coming up"

So I got out wearing a Turkey Towel and drying my hair with another and here stands someone is full suit right in front of me.

He told me.. " Looks like my lucky day to see someone fresh and clean" all laughed and I am no one who will be ashamed of standing in front of someone half naked. He stretched his hands and told "I am Geroge Janovich".

"Aaah I remember talking to you on phone from India George" I said and shook his hands. He told me to to get ready and went to the living room. After dressing up I went out and he asked us how was the journey. A very pleasant man who is probably in his late 40s. Very friendly and kind in his talks. We spent nearly two hours talking to him. Mani made some tea for all of us. George told us that Manish and Santhosh will be coming later to take us out and give us an idea about Milwaukee. By about 4:00 Manish and Santhosh came and took us out to Pick 'n' Save to get some groceries.

That was the first time ever I went to a Grocery store. I never did any Grocery shopping when I was in India. Well there is always a first time I told Manish I wanted to buy some smokes. He looked at me and asked "You smoke?" I told him "Yeah, that's one of my bad habits" Manish smiled and told me " I don't want to know the rest of the bad habits" It made me laugh and I told him " No plan to let you know other bad habits, maybe America will soon know what they are".

We all chit chatted a lot after coming home. Lot of directions, don't do this, don't do that. I might have heard couple of alphabets which I forgot almost instantly.

The next day was our first day at work. Well George came and picked us up and told he is going to do that for the next couple of weeks. We first met Dulsey, she was a pretty looking woman, little trouble walking, other than that, very friendly. Met Brian who came to India to hire us. As me and Mani speak the same language in India. Got a warning from Brian not to speak any other language other than English in the office.

Then lot of administrative stuff to do, paper works, meeting local consulting managers and eventually Curt the administrative manager took us to the Social Security Administration office to get SSN. We filed the application and then Curt dropped us at home.

The week went by very fast and in the weekend. Shareen and Mohish came by. Shareen my sister-in-law's cousin (My brother's wife's cousin) knew me very well. Her husband Mohish also was a software consultant and Shereen a doctor in India was preparing to write some exams in USA to start her medical career in USA. They were fun with their little baby Momin. He was fun to deal with.

The week after also went by fast as we were given everything by Keane. Mentor, money directions, training you name it. All were given. I met a wonderful girl at the Keane office who worked from the office doing a project at a remote client. Her name cannot be disclosed for her privacy. I am giving her the name Kristen. She smokes and whenever she goes out for a smoke comes and ask me to join her. She is married with a kid but gave me a lot of ideas where to go what to do. Another set of directions. Eventually she told, " You have to figure out a lot of things Riaz" and smiled.
I told "Oh thank god, at last someone is telling me I got to figure things out than do exactly what they want me to do" . She laughed and told me something deep

"Every misstep and every fall should be a lesson"... I smiled and said. "So far in my life there was someone to hold me upright before I fell" she looked at me in a strange way and said. "This is America, you better learn to stand on your two legs before you jump" she smiled and walked away.

The weekend that came brought two more Indians. Senthil and Gowda, both are friendly chaps who were giving me strange looks. The next day was our first trip to office by ourselves. George had shown us where to get into bus and which stop to get down. We needed to change the bus at Mill road and Good Hope on our way to Park Place where the Keane office was.

Well we took the right bus and reached Mill road from there we took the exact number George told us. But the bus went on and on and on and eventually stopped at Tutonia avenue. The driver told me. "This is the last stop folks"

I got out with all the other Indian guys looking up at me. The I told " Fuck really fuck, where the fuck did we reached?" Senthil told me "Someone will hear" I told "Fuck them and Fuck you" I was so pissed I wanted to break his head on the lamp post.

I looked around and an African American teenager came by. I asked him "Sir where can I find a phone?" He looked at me for like a min and then told. "Look on the other side of the bus stop man". We went there and found the phone. We called the office and got Dulsey first, I told her what happened. Then Brian got on the phone and asked me "Riaz, where exactly are you guys now?" I told him where we are and got a very strange response.

"Don't talk to anyone.. you all went in an entirely different direction" he giggled and told someone called Anne will come and pick us up. Anne was an Employee development manager at Keane.

She came and picked us up in her mini van. On the way she told me. "Riaz, you soon will be working as I have an Interview scheduled for you at one of our clients" That was a good news for me as I no longer needed to sit at the office smoking every half an hour. Gowda was supposed to join me in that project. We did the interview very well. Peter another Keane consultant was our lead. The moment I saw Peter I said in my mind " I am in trouble, this old guy looks like the biggest ass hole I have ever seen".

I smiled and my managers congratulated me for doing the interview very well. That was a Friday and Monday Peter was supposed to pick us up from home to go to Johnson Controls battery group in Greenbay Road. I didn't sleep on that Friday night. I felt like something is haunting me, an uneasiness, something is not right. I sat on the floor of the deck and looked up at the sky and to myself I spoke.

"This the starting of a life as a new birth you are taking. It is only the starting, a long way to go and it is okay for you to be afraid" Yes I was afraid as I felt obligated in many ways to many, many people. Some I don't even know. Some I know from one look they are not going to help me at all. Some are just onlookers who wanted nothing, just a sight of a winner or loser.

This is the BBC One T.V show of the famous Novel by Thomas Hardy. There are changes from the book in order of some scenes but I love the way they ended this one. The exact ending like in the book. Though they added a little unnecessary shots. Still I can live with that. Enjoy

Never Ending Daydream.

The Journey

Part 3.

The flight was smooth as Georgia kept on asking about my future job and about India. She found it a bit hard to understand the long sentences I say to reply to her question. I asked very little as I am not familiar with the girl. But it helped to kill the time in the flight which otherwise would have been boring.

  Before the flight landed surprisingly she once more introduced herself to me. I really don’t remember her last name but I am positive on one thing she was really pretty.

Once the plane landed I walked out saying bye to Georgia. I totally forgot about my two other friends who were sitting way in the back of the plane. I came out and looked around in the airport and saw the flight to Milwaukee is from Terminal B. I followed the signs to Terminal B and started walking. Still no thought about the two other guys as Georgia and her amazing beauty was all I could think about at that time. After nearly 10 min of long walks through the terminal I came to a dead end where I saw a train station. I got totally perplexed. I was like what the hell, looking for a plane terminal now I ended up in a railway station. I started walking back. Now I know I am totally lost as I have no idea which terminal I came from.

  By this time I am down to Earth into reality from all thoughts about Georgia. I started looking for two Indian guys but cannot find even one among the moving crowd. I slowly walked. Then I saw Georgia coming towards me with the other flight attendant. She saw me and asked, “You are going to Milwaukee, isn’t it?” I said.. “Yeah but I ended up in that railway station, now I am lost and I cannot find my two friends too”

She looked at me with a frowning face and said.

 “You should take that train to go to your Terminal, come with me I will take you there or you will be lost here”

  I followed her and in the concurs she asked, “Are there any concurs in India?”

I said, “None I know”

  By this time we reached the terminal and Georgia got out with me and took me to the gate I am supposed to be leaving from. There I found the other two guys. She told

“Good to meet you again Riaz, I gotta go and stay with your friends” this time she gave a hug and kiss on cheeks before she left.

  When I turned around Mani looked at me and Anand looked upwards. I didn’t say a word as I know both those guys understood I got lost and I needed help to find my way to the terminal.

  The flight from Atlanta to Milwaukee was long as the flight attendants were guys and we three were sitting in the same lane. As we reached near Milwaukee it was about 10:30PM and I saw the lights of the city on one side and it was dark on the other, I knew we were flying over Lake Michigan.

 Once we got out of the plane two other Indians who were working for Keane were waiting for us with placards on which written Riaz, Mani, Anand. Manish and Santhosh were their names. Manish’s girlfriend also was with them. The drive from Airport was fantastic as Manish drove really fast. Once we reached near downtown I still remember going through a short tunnel. Manish’s girlfriend was very talkative Indian girl. She told me a lot about Milwaukee in the 20 minute drive from Airport to downtown. Once we reached downtown Manish asked

“Hey you guys ate any food?”

 I told, “Not much we had some snacks”

He took us to McDonalds and I told him I don’t want to eat meat after a long flight as I am not feeling really good in my stomach. I settled with just French fries and Coke.

When we reached the downtown apartment which was rented by Keane for us for the first 3 months I fell in love with the place almost instantly as the apartment was well furnished with even food for us waiting there. I ate a banana and had some milk.

  Mani and Anand kinda went directly to bed I looked around standing on the deck. It was cold, still I stood there thinking…

   Away from everything I knew till that day. Like every bird that once leaves the nest I left mine a little too far. I remembered that I should call my mother. I came in and took the calling cards Manish left with us and called home. My mother was waiting for my call. She was happy to hear from me. After the brief call I went back to the deck knowing nothing is over, life is just beginning. But for what happened in the 28 years of my life, looks like I need a rebirth, this time all alone.

I am back. Even though I haven't updated this forever I can see a lot of people coming in here and looking around. Now I am going to start writing a new work here. This is real. Not at all fictitious. In 1998 I left my birth place India. Came to USA. Around that time 5 more Indian guys left India for USA. We were not knowing when we were there. We met here and became friends. Now nearly 10 years later. I am going to talk to them about how they felt in this awesome journey. I will write it along with my thoughts.

You all will see this soon here.